The One in Which I Struggle

LT is doing great these days. She is kicking her feet like a champ. Oh how she loves to kick her feet. Almost as much as she loves to spin in circles. She is picking up new signs daily - we are at 25 signs last count. And she is making new sounds, so we feel like there is definitely progress on the speech front. The crunchy leaves outside have sent her into a bit of a tailspin though. Just when she got used to the grass - now there are crunchy, crackly leaves of all colors all over the grass and sidewalk. She gets upset and cries for me to pick her up when we are walking along the sidewalk and encounter big piles. She'll get used to them eventually though, just in time for the first big snow I'm sure. But despite all of the feet kicking, spinning, babbling and leaf-stomping, I am struggling with one big issue: separation. It is the issue that keeps me up at night and has me questioning my parenting skills and decisions. LT is definitely a shy, reserved kid who prefers to do things as part of a routine, and on her own turf. She prefers her mama and dada over anyone, but will tolerate some friends and family. In particular the friends who respect her boundaries and don't expect too much from her. These folks are rewarded with big full-face smiles that melt our hearts. She is not a fan of other kids her size, but has been known to follow an older child around in utter adoration. When LT came home we focused on establishing a strong bond/attachment. We didn't let anyone else feed/change/bathe/hold her for the first few months. Since that time she has spent time with a babysitter on occasion, but it never goes well. She refuses to eat, cries much of the time we are gone (except when watching a DVD), and requires that the sitter hold her the entire time we were away from her. LT also sometimes becomes more clingy outside of our home when only one parent is with her. I think most of this sounds pretty normal so far. She's a shy, sensitive babe who prefers to stay close to her mama. I don't push her, and I try to follow her cues, especially when we're not at home (i.e. at a class, storytime, etc.). I'm okay with this on most days, and then I run into people with different expectations of LT and I start to question everything. This all started to boil up as a worry for me when we were visiting family a few weeks ago. We were staying at my mother-in-law's house and throwing a baby shower for my sister-in-law. LT was ok when it was just us and her grandma, but she was super-clingy at the shower itself. I didn't think much of it at first as it was loud, the room was filled with strangers (to LT), and we were not at home. Of course she would want her mama. LT would not let anyone else hold her, and screamed in terror if I left her sight. She did her best to keep one hand on me at all times, if she wasn't in my arms already. Shower guests began to make comments in passing that made me feel...like crap. I don't want to re-hash the comments, but essentially many of these ladies were making disparaging remarks about the fact that LT is so clingy to her mama. At one point I had to leave her for a moment with her grandma to get something out of the oven, and she screamed and cried. I overheard someone say, "Oh, she doesn't go to daycare does she?" and then, "they never leave her with anyone." Geesh- I can't win here. I went home feeling like crap about my parenting style. I then had another "moment" at Mandarin class a few weeks ago. We started a Mandarin immersion mommy and me class, with the opportunity for me to take a parent-only class myself afterwards. The first parent class was a disaster. I left LT with the sitter, and she screamed and howled the entire hour. I did not know what to do. She got more upset if I went back to calm her, so they encouraged me to just stay in class. I could hear her screaming through the walls and could not comprehend a word of the Mandarin that the teacher was speaking to me. It was awful. We also participate in classes and playgroups - and typically LT sits on my lap or keeps one arm looped around mine for the duration of the class. I don't push her, but I do try to engage her in interesting activities and toys. I want her to at least be exposed, and I feel like it's up to her to decide on participation as she is still so little. But her behavior at Mandarin class etc. has resulted in several moms in the past few weeks asking me if her clinginess is adoption-related. I even had a mom say to me that her "little life has been pretty uncertain so far, so no wonder she clings to you." Aye. Perhaps her clinginess is adoption related, but let me be the judge of that. What this issue boils down to for me is a no-win situation. I feel like if I leave her, it is somehow damaging to her, or her relationship/attachment to me. I feel like she will be more insecure if I leave her. But, if I don't leave her, I feel like I am not exposing her appropriately to the emotions and skills she will develop by being left without me for short periods of time. She does need to learn to deal with negative emotions herself. So I get myself all wrapped up in this circular thinking and have no idea what to do because I cannot win either way. Leave her and risk her feeling abandoned. Don't leave her and she'll never stop clinging to my leg and miss out on fun opportunities. The more I think about it, the more I beat myself up over it. I'm trying to go with my instincts and do what I think is right, and best for LT. But this is hard.